I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
