remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
it's like heaven, but drunker
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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