my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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