How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
