apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
