i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
