I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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