I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
