You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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