is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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