I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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