omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
