Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
