In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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