Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
