i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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