well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
