i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Randomize
