i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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