i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He passed out mid-signature
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize