im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
