you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
