upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
