Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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