I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
