hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
