y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize