Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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