K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
