I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
