if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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