there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
do herpes really smell.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
