maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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