i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
