I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
