Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize