Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I love you. Go after that dick
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I deserve this hangover.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
