What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize