here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
