It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
