I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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