I like my sex mixed with concussions.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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