Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
