I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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