That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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