Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
