Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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