Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Never underestimate the power of titties
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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