You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
