Swine flu. Run for my life!
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
