Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
