He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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