If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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