you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
