...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
