1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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