mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
