yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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